We as students and aspiring journalists are urged by lecturers and mentors to create and maintain a positive online presence in social media. In addition to harrassing guest speakers and past and future employers, effective networking can also be done online - there's Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, blogging sites... And all of these host a cavalcade of more or less famous journalists and other media professionals, within reach of anyone with a smartphone and something clever to say.

Perhaps surprisingly, this makes me feel incredibly uneasy. Does retweeting people I admire make me seem like a desperate fangirl? Do I look like I'm trying too hard or think too much of myself when I try and contact them? But what if I don't? Am I missing out on something? Will I never get my name out there if I don't do it? So many stupid questions, no answers.

I guess what they say is true: it is so much easier to hide behind an anonymous username and do what you want online without having to think about ruining your own image. Before creating a new Twitter account using my real name and face, I was the queen of obnoxious attention-whoring. For every fifteen messages I barraged my idols with, I may have gotten a single reply if I got lucky, but man, did I send a lot. No one thinks anything of a nameless 17 year old girl behaving like a hopeless wannabe, but it really isn't the best public image someone trying to get into an actual industry can establish.

Another problem I've recently faced is when I actually do get some attention. Yesterday I noticed that my new Twitter account had gained a few more followers. Among them was a pretty well-known Finnish games journalism freelancer and podcast host I'd followed a few days earlier. After checking if he follows all of his followers just for the sake of courtesy and confirming that this was indeed not the case, all I could think of was "how" and "why". There I was, on his list of people he follows, along with some of the biggest names of Finnish gaming journalism. I still don't know why. I know it should make me happy that I'd managed to say something smart enough to make him follow me, but instead I feel somehow anxious. (God, do I hope he doesn't read this. The link's on my Twitter. Damn. If you are, I'm sorry for freaking out, haha.)

This situation is pretty much an exact replay of something that happened at a video game expo last year. The whole staff of my favourite magazine was there, and it was the first time I met them despite having read their magazine for the best part of ten years. When I walked around their stall, one of them approached me: "Hey, are you Johanna?" For a second, I actually didn't know what to say. Who, me? Yeah, I guess? Apparently I comment on their Facebook site often enough to actually make them remember me without ever actually meeting in person. Again, this should be a good thing, but what was running through my head was "Have I said something stupid? What did I say that was dumb enough to make him remember me, oh my god, what did I do?"

I realize how incredibly stupid this might sound to more confident and experienced people, but this is a real problem for me. I look up to these people so much that I feel I won't ever play in the same league as them, and don't know how to deal with it when I do actually get some credit. Like I said, it wasn't always like this. I think I need to find a balance between my identities as an anonymous social media superhero and meek journalism student, and learn to believe in myself a little more without overdoing it.

Wow, I really have my work cut out for me for the coming year.